she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
