isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
