Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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