Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
