When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just had sex on a roof
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
