you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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