Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
