Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
