theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
