her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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