i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
