She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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