mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize