I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
