so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
