Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
false alarm, still single
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