Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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