I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
why is half of my head shaved?
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