i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
They are going to name an STD after you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
