i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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