forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
