you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize