Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
