birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
