I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
