I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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