K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
