Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
