It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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