i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
