in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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