can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
