I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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