You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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