im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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