you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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