you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
