Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize