My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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