Already got asked if we're dating
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
