I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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