it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
