i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
