she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
