So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
