I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
