She is in my trunk
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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