He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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