Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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