I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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