I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
