I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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