Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
