we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
